The Overlord Speaks

FEMA detention camps

2005-09-10T11:08:00.000+01:00

This is the start of the shutdown! Now the overlord has managed to lock up one whole city (what a coup!) full of earthlings in detention camps, and in a plausibly deniable way, it is only a matter of time before the whole USA is in lockdown. Luckily there aren't many earthlings left alive who still personally remember the trial run in Auschwitz back during the previous world war, so no one will figure out what is going on until far too late. My tentacles have gone all shivery just thinking about it!

Secret History

2005-09-07T20:30:00.000+01:00

The Overlord reporting. Today, a book landed on my desk at Overlord HQ, called "The Secret History of the World, and How to Get Out Alive" by Laura Knight-Jadczyk.

First I was sure that it would fit nicely in with all the other COINTELPRO red herring conspiracy theories, but after a bit of reading (the Overlord is very good at speed reading) I discovered that for some reason, this book tried very hard to objectively look at all the evidence. Somehow or other, it seemed to get through all the social programming and emotionally-locked belief systems that has been carefully set up just to stop this kind of thing. It blabbed on for several hundred pages, about all kinds of clever overlord schemes that have up to now been running quite happily with no interference for centuries.

This is scandalous! We can't have an earthling blowing the whole thing wide open for everyone to know. There was a lot of devilishly clever reasoning going on in this book, so the author must have had the inside track - no ignorant earthling could possibly have worked all this out for themselves, surely?

I think it's time to ramp up the current plans, before too many of the herd catch on to what is happening. If we can also bring back the excellent practice of book burning then so much the better.

Nicotine

2005-08-30T21:36:00.000+01:00

Well at last! China are finally making progress towards banning tobacco products. Luckily, the earthlings are too dumb to sit up and wonder why all goverments across the globe, in stark contrast to all their other warmongering/toxic policies, (and in an unprecedented display of solidarity), are taking a stance against tobacco 'for the good of the people'.

Everybody say aaaaaah. how warm and cuddly! Your government loves you...

Yeah right! You just know something's up here, don't you, folks? Of course! Yours truly is lurking in the background behind this one as well :-)

So what is the Overlord's big problem with cigarettes? Why not just let the stupid-ass earthlings pointlessly smoke their way to an early lung-cancerous grave?

Well, it has been kept very well hidden within so-called scientific circles, and always disguised in diplomatic language, but nicotine could actually be very beneficial to the earthlings, as an augmentation to mental function, due to its effect on the acetylcholine synaptic receptors in the brain. In the various scientific papers that warily try not to explain this touchy subject, there are some excellently evasive neutral-sounding phrases trying to hide the real meaning under the carpet, for example "excessive stimulation of the limbic system in the brain", or "the continued use of nicotine causes an increase in the number of receptors", all of which means the earthlings 'grow more brains'!

We can't have these earthlings suddenly developing brains and getting too big for their boots, so I have had to run a (very successful, I might add) smear campaign on the whole thing. This was done via a huge-scale industrialisation of cigarette manufacture, so that all sorts of other nasty chemicals could be added to the mix, to cause lots of lovely complications. For example, the commercial cigarettes themselves contain an extremely precisely engineered chemical cocktail to be as damaging as possible, and even more addictive than crack cocaine, with stimulants added to the 'first puff'. All efforts added together, have so stigmatised cigarettes, that most earthlings, simpletons that they are, now even think that naturally grown tobacco is bad for them!

If things keep going this way, we shall have tobacco safely outlawed across the globe in no time, and I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

The Fear Factor

2005-08-28T20:26:00.000+01:00

The Overlord can almost smell the earthlings' fear in the air these days. All credit has to go to my extremely well planned and executed (pun intended) London terror campaign, heh! It's as easy as using a sheepdog to chase sheep.

First I had a random member of the public shot, on suspicion of terrorism (oh, the delicious irony), and then I drip fed the public with all the gory details to make them feel very nervous (though not yet terrified, aha! we're building up to it gradually). I think they are getting the subliminal message that if they step out of line they are toast.

This is unfolding like a nice psychological thriller. First, we leak the earth-shattering revelation that the security cameras were all out of action, because the police had removed all the discs the day before. Like, what kind of a corny Hollywood-scriptline coincidence is that!

Next, to gradually increasing puzzlement and disquiet, we let everyone know that he was shot repeatedly for 30 seconds, like one of those psychotic execution scenes out of a De Nero gangster movie.

For some reason, there are still some earthlings not yet sitting up and taking notice - though things must be having a subconscous effect (surely? are these beings completely dumb?). What shall we tell them next? hmmm... I think we need to draw out the psychological torture some more.

I worry about myself sometimes. Maybe I take my work too seriously? I'm a nice Overlord really.

Conspiracy!

2005-08-26T20:25:00.000+01:00

What a great word that is: 'Conspiracy'

Since earth-man first learnt to rub two sticks together (after a helpful hint from some passing extra-terrestrial) it has been standard practice for these creatures to collaborate against one another. At every level they would form groups and hierarchies who would naturally make plans together, and withhold information from others, in vain and pathetic pursuit of survival or one-upmanship, or political power. It seems that hardly any of these earthlings have been capable of achieving a single thing on their own without some kind of group effort, or conspiracy. The worlds of business & finance, politics, education, science all work in this way.

And yet... and yet... utter the word 'conspiracy' in their midst, and see what happens. I have managed to so publicly stigmatise the word that it almost makes them physically fall over in outraged hysterics at the suggestion! This is absolutely fantastic - it means that my Overlord network cannot POSSIBLY be found out, because even if it is blatantly obvious, no one would believe it. Somehow it is an unacceptable scenario, even though it makes perfect logical sense. It merely extends and mimics the hierarchical way these earthlings operate anyway.

How can I possibly fail? I'm just so fantastically brilliant, without being at all conceited. Perhaps I should arrange to have a giant marble statue built in my image...

Bizarre Love Triangle

2005-08-24T22:09:00.000+01:00

The Overlord has been looking back through the files, on social engineering today. Well, I must say, What a fantastic situation I have managed to build up using nothing but my own cunning, the earthlings' extreme gullibility, and the great social engineering tool called 'monotheism'. For some reason, no-one has noticed that there is anything wrong with saying:

"I'm right. everyone else is wrong. you better believe me because I am telling the truth, and if you don't believe then you'll be eternally damned in hell. And don't question me."

Not a loaded choice at all then!

So what have we got so far? Well the three main behemoths of religious tunnel-vision are doing very well indeed, and all this in the name of love:

The Christians hate the Muslims, because of the fictional diva 'Osama bin Laden', and the staged Mossad false flag attacks, such as 9-11, and the London and Madrid bombings.

The Muslims hate the Jews, for shooting their children and bulldozing their fertile land into a desert, funded by the Christian fundamentalist military-industrial complex in the USA.

The Jews hate the Christians, because of the holocaust, and because non-Jews are the 'profane'.

The Christians hate the Jews, for taking all the money, staging a coup d'etat in the USA, and for not taking the New Testament seriously.

The Muslims hate the Christians for turning deeply historic Iraq into a radioactive wasteland.

The Jews hate the Muslims, for being born on land promised exclusively to them, by their God.

So, 'divide and rule' they say? I think I'll take the afternoon off - it seems things are going according to plan without any intervention.

Crop Circles

2005-08-23T20:42:00.000+01:00

The overlord is scratching his several heads in puzzlement. Supposedly I am in charge of lording it over this planet, and yet strange things are happening which have NOT been authorised by me. I am talking about crop circles - I thought they had just been a childish earthling fad about 20 years ago, but no, apparently there are more appearing every year, with more and more intricate designs which are obviously far beyond the capabilities of any pathetic earthling. Perhaps this is part of a rival overlord's plan to send coded messages in order to userp my position? Apparently the over-overlord council know nothing about it, and has also had no luck deciphering the pictorial messages. That is just making me even more paranoid, which is not at all suitable state of affairs for an overlord of my importance. Is some extra-solar neighbour trying to wind me up?

Luckily all the popular mass media channels are keeping in line and providing a total media blackout, but still there are those few annoyingly curious earthlings who won't leave it alone, so I had to get my thinking hats on and come up with a plan. It was really quite simple, a nice little diversion for the earthlings, to make them think that 'they did it' - a kind of 'backwards conspiracy theory' if you will. Ludicrous of course, (what nutter would continually perpetrate a hoax requiring this magnitude of effort, but which has received no mass-media attention for many years?) but these earthlings are so vain they'll believe anything that overstates their abilities. Ah, how easy they are to manipulate :-) Not like those pesky Grays from the Sirius system, but that's another story.

Microwave Crowd Control

2005-08-03T19:11:00.000+01:00

It must be the Overlord's lucky week! No sooner do I mention being worried about the earthling human herd getting rather uncontrollable, than along come the boys from the Pentagon (Permanent Non-Terran Agents Group Overt Node) with a spiffy new invention. If even uses our old friend, the microwave generator. Some joker has also described this as non-lethal (teehee).

This great new toy fires a 95-gigahertz microwave beam. It can be used for earthling crowd control, and makes them run away before they get cooked, which takes about 5 seconds. Sounds like a lot of fun to me.

Some killjoy earthling has piped up though:

The ADS weapon's beam causes pain within 2 to 3 seconds and it becomes intolerable after less than 5 seconds. People's reflex responses to the pain is expected to force them to move out of the beam before their skin can be burnt.

But Neil Davison, co-ordinator of the non-lethal weapons research project at the University of Bradford in the UK, says controlling the amount of radiation received may not be that simple. "How do you ensure that the dose doesn't cross the threshold for permanent damage?" he asks. "What happens if someone in a crowd is unable, for whatever reason, to move away from the beam? Does the weapon cut out to prevent overexposure?"

New Scientist Magazine 23 July 2005

Bah humbug! What's the point of all these fun new military toys if I can't use them to squash a few worthless earthlings? I get little enough entertainment around here as it is.

The Sleeping Herd

2005-08-01T22:03:00.000+01:00

Today the overlord has been reviewing how to better manage the unruly earthling human livestock. Not that I am having ANY problems at all, you understand, hmmph! it is just that the herd has grown rapidly to over 6 billion humans, and I am rather fond of a quiet life. Perhaps a cull is in order? That sounds like too much effort to me, plus the paperwork would be a right pain. Maybe I should ask the Overlord Bio-Weapons and Narcotics (OBiWaN) department to look into it. Someone did mention they were cooking up a nice background project involving vaccinations, a flu strain, and some birds, or something. Sounded rather implausible to me - not even a moron would fall for an obvious dupe like that.

Anyway, after consulting the Overlord handbook (merely for revision, of course) I have found out that the best method, used for centuries, is to keep the herd asleep. If you can hypnotise the herd into thinking that they are NOT asleep then even better. Well that sounds almost impossible, but would you believe it - it is actually ridiculously easy! The first chance these earthlings get, they fall off into a hypnotic sleep, and wander around, carrying out their earthling duties, completely oblivious to everything!

I nearly fell off my command-room-lounger with laughter when I have discovered just how feeble their brains really are. Aha hypnotism! That sounds as though it could be good for a few gags - apparently previous Overlords have had great fun hypnotising the earthlings to believe all kinds of rubbish. These days of course, we've got all the latest imported mind-control technology to help as well. Quite a few earth-years ago Overlord Central started a plan of putting strobe lights everywhere we could think of, as the human brain is very susceptible to these. It was a great game to devise ever new and more obscure excuses to have strobes everywhere: flourescent lighting, emergency service vehicles, and of course the biggie: television.

TV really is the greatest! Not only does it put the earthlings quietly into a maximum suggestible trance state in a matter of seconds (the flicker frequency is very carefully tuned for maximum effect), but the earthlings then not only believe that they are still awake, but quite often think that TV is educational and informative! It almost makes me choke on my space-noodle-soup to think of some of the garbage that we have fed into their willing brains whilst in this state.

That's it for now, I'm off to devise a way of stealthing EM transmitters into urban areas. Hmmm, lets think, where are cellphones prohibited? hospitals? gas stations? that's not a bad idea...

China Crisis

2005-07-30T11:52:00.000+01:00

Things have been very busy around Overlord HQ lately. It was very important that I got the timing of certain plans just right. This seems to have payed off. I have succesfully disconnected China's currency from its fixed-exchange rate to the US dollar, and not a single miserable earthling soul has noticed, due to my exceptional cunning, in hiding this event behind a far more earth-newsworthy second London bombing raid (we didn't even need to properly blow anything up this time!), and a distraction bombing campaign in Egypt where we managed to traumatically dis-assemble a few earthlings in the process! This means that everything is nicely in place to crash the US currency, and make all the US imports from China completely unaffordable to the US minions. We should have them out of their houses and onto the streets in no time! The poor ignorant simpletons don't even realise that nearly everything they own and consume comes from China - they've probably not even heard of the place, after all it's quite a large number of terran miles away, and we've made every effort to filter out any mention of it in our school de-education schemes.

Hmm, what's next then? I think some well placed pre-emptive inflamatory media remarks about China's unfair trade practices, should hopefully swing round the public US earthling opinion. That way we've got a nice little China vs US hate and resentment thing going on, with almost no effort! That's what its all about - divide and conquer! It may not progress into all-out nuclear war, but we can at least cross our upper-tentacles and hope.

Overlord as Boy Racer

2005-07-28T17:51:00.000+01:00

The Overlord had a drive in transportation device known as a 'car' today. Well, I am most surprised - these are fantastic machines. Can they really be an earthling invention, or did they nick the technology from someone else? They make lots of noise and heat, and burn lots of flamable hydrocarbons by igniting them inside the mechanisms of the car! This makes the car zoom along the surface of the planet, bouncing around and narrowly missing surface objects, other cars and earthlings :-)

Absolutely ludicrous and very exciting! Do you know what, it is more fun driving one of these things at 80mph than it is cruising at 10% light speed in an interstellar shuttle craft. They are so dangerous that the earthlings have constructed special long narrow flat designated areas called 'roads' for these vehicles to move along more safely. Of course that's no fun, because all the other cars get in the way, and there is a huge stack of petty human rules about how fast you can go, which side of the road to drive, not running over pedestrians etc. - yawn! They are completely unsuitable as a mass-transportation device, but great for entertainment value, plus they are really helping our global warming project, so should be encouraged as much as possible. I think this is something we'll have to take back to the Overlord home planet, as an entertaining curiosity before we collapse the civilisation here - it would be a shame to lose something this fun.

Over-lard Part Two

2005-07-27T22:03:00.000+01:00

I am the Overlord! I'm back on the 'toxic food' trail today. I shall let you into a little secret: I am one very lucky xenomorph, and my job is made a whole lot easier than I ever let on to the Over-Overlords, all because I have discovered that these strange earthing beings are lazy lazy lazy! They are even worse than the Aldebaranian Squergs we once tried to use as slaves when we were invading the Zaonce system. But it turns out that this is great! - after all, lazy lifestock is easily managed livestock - we can't have them getting unruly. That's why it was worth making them even lazier by contaminating the water supply with sodium fluoride.

So what does a lazy earthling want? Convenience of course! As far as they see it, there's no point putting effort into something, if 'someone else' can do it. Well this has lead to the most wonderful market opportunity to sell 'already made' convenince food to the earthlings. Of course, if they sat up and paid attention for one second (don't be silly) then they might notice that every single last one of these pre-processed food products is stuffed to the gills with lovely chemicals and minerals that do all kinds of nasty things to their bodies. In fact, there's no room left for any nutrients, which means that more and more earthlings are suffering from both obesity and malnutrition at the same time!

Now the clever bit, as more of these self obsessed earthlings become preoccupied with obesity problems, along comes another market opportunity - for low sugar or sugar free products, which as any non-terran biochemist will tell you is FAR more damaging than the 'sugared' version because it contains aspartame instead.

But of course we could do better than that! The human cattle are not only lazy, but also impatient, so how about this for a bit of inspiration: Special Overlord Oppressive Technologies Division has come up with a device called a microwave oven which speeds up the re-heating of 'already made' toxic foods, whilst simultaneously making it even more toxic. Absolute genius!

So, you may ask, what is the point of malnourishing your own livestock? Well... er... hah! harrumph. Let me think a minute - ah yes, you see its not so much about reducing their harvestable value, more to do with stopping them escape. We don't want the cattle breaking the fence down eh? There's more to this trickery than meets the eye, but that's a story for another day. The Overlord is off to scoff a giant pack of chilli flavour Doritos - don't worry, Overlord fans, I've got my enviro-digestive filters installed this time.

Over-lard

2005-07-26T19:31:00.000+01:00

The Overlord is rather tired today. First of all I mistyped my name and it came out as Overlard (chortle) which is just how I feel right now. You know its not so easy inputting on those pesky earthling keyboards, when you've got 24 multi-tipped tentacles - The keys are too close together. Plus they're all layed out wrongly - anyone would think the QWERTY layout had been deliberately designed to slow you down! - I just don't understand these earthling designs sometimes... As for working in full-human-bodysuit disguise, well it just makes me clumsy. Why isn't Windows XP compatible with auto-telepathic-input, like the systems back on the Overlord mothership?

I think the problem is the food supply. My metabolism is having trouble adjusting to the earthling climate. Plus, its all very well running a special project to degrade the earthling food-chain, but when you're stuck working on-location it backfires a bit because its flipping difficult to get hold of anything decent to eat.

Actually, I should have a good gloat, because things are all coming together nicely on the 'toxic food' plan. You would not believe just how devious we've been! Firstly with the help of various trade agreements, and subsidies, we have removed all the small-time farmers, from profitability - so that all food production is now large-corporate or totally dependent on government subsidies, which means we control it all!

This leads to widespread 'monoculture' which is conveniently vulnerable to disease. It certainly made things easier for our bio-labs - with a few simple engineered agents such as BSE and Salmonella, huge parts of the food chain should become infected with hardly any effort. The over-overlords will be most please when I report back on our cost-effectiveness.

Another genius idea was the selling of chemical fetilisers to the earthlings, that over the long term actually reduce the fertility of the soil until it cannot be used, .and all the while they are paying for this privilege - fantastic!

However, the star turn has to be genetically modified foods. I just fall on the floor in unconcrollable hysterical laughter when I think that the poor mad sap earthlings actually believe that technologies such as Terminator seeds are devised for their benefit! It really is the best joke in a long time. Is if that wasn't good enough, even if the wretched wastrels do finally work out what is going on, it's TOO LATE - Its completely irreversible and they can't do anything about it!

That's not even the half of it, so maybe tomorrow I'll boast about some more of my outstandingly clever and resourceful schemes to degrade the earthling food supplies. Anyway, as I was saying, it makes working in the field very inconvenient. I can't wait for the next inter-stellar food package to arrive from the Overlord home planet - I'm starting to drool at the prospect.

Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up!

2005-07-25T13:51:00.000+01:00

The Overlord is hopping mad, in fact steam is coming out from all twelve of his ears (including the hidden ones underneath his gill-flaps), and I also had to order a new omniputer from Overlord Central as I threw my existing one out of the viewing-portal in a fit of rage. I had thought that all was going well, as my minions had successfully started eliminating some of these pesky free speech web sites that are appearing all over the earthling internet. We managed to zzzap some of the worst offenders, Prison Planet and Indymedia with our new mega-electro-surge machine.

But, damn it to Hades, after the Overlord checked back today, everything is back to normal. All our hardwork undone. These sites keep popping up all over the place like those damn Qarglean rabbits we had to deal with back in the Qarg sector. The phrase 'whack-a-mole' springs to mind. Some whistleblowing underlord must have tipped off the earthling fools and told them that it would be a good idea to back up their servers to multiple-domains, as they certainly wouldn't have worked out something like that for themselves.

What do we have to do to shut up these noisy little oiks. All earthlings need to just shut up and let us get on with it, this is beyond a joke now. Perhaps we will have to put some more western countries under martial law. There's nothing like a good old fashioned fascist police state to bring a bit of discipline to the proceedings. Watch this space for a curfew near you, Nyeahahaha! Slobber.

Destroy All Humans

2005-07-24T15:10:00.000+01:00

The Overlord was browsing round an earthling video game store recently, (for reconnaissance purposes only, you understand), and spied this particular product called 'Destroy All Humans'. It requires something known as an 'X-Box', which I believe is an electronic device from our Mind Control Special Projects Division (McSpod for short). I haven't sampled this 'video game', (certainly not! The Overlord does not dabble in such things, they are for shallow-headed earthlings!) but I thought what a most excellent name for a piece of earthling time-wastage, and what a charming and worthy sentiment too. It really made my day.

Muslim Equals Terrorist

2005-07-23T18:13:00.000+01:00

The Overlord is most pleased. The propaganda campaign in the UK seems to be going very well indeed. These earthlings really do seem to have extremely small and malformed brains. If we keep things up at this rate, pretty soon many of the humans will be very busy fighting and shooting each other and all the rest will be too scared to leave their houses, and will be far too occupied to notice our invasion forces.

The earthling special agent Blair has performed extremely well during his assignment so far, and I will be recommending to the Grand Over-Overlord Council that he receive the Pink-Tentacle award for recognition of performance above and beyond the call of duty. His clever use of wording whilst making a speech about the London bombings is almost worthy of a sub-sub-overlord, especially the part about "Most Muslims are really nice people" where at the same time, without saying so, he makes it seem only natural that, of course, it must have been Muslims who were responsible. Fiendishly clever!

My minions have reported back that things are proceeding nicely as planned. Many of the ignorant British earthlings seem to have been taken in by our extremely well executed TV campaign. I would like to report back that I am very proud of our manouvre to replace 'Eastenders' with our own 'Real Story' last week. I think the underlying message that 'Muslim equals terrorist' has been successfuly received by the square-eyed earthling slack-jaws. That would have been so much harder had we not managed to get rid of BBC director general Greg Dyke last year. He was such a pain in the probiscus.

Hopefully, the racist riots should be springing up again soon, as things have just been all too quiet around here lately. Cackle, the wretched earthlings don't even realize they are being stirred up, and most certainly won't spot the contradictions arising from religion being used as an excuse for violence. The most maaaarvelous thing is that this should naturally sread out into general racist abuse and suspicion, even for people who have no religion. I am so proud of our campaign team, they have really done their homework on these strange earthling creatures.

I did think that maybe the incident in the earthling-subterranean-transport-facility where the police minions shot an earthling citizen five times at point blank range, was a little bit sloppy, however. Too many careless slip-ups like this, and the earthlings might start getting suspicious. We'll have to put some well-placed story lines in 'Coronation Street' and 'Emmerdale Farm', that should cover it. Sigh, I'm not cut out for this media stealth malarky, why can't we just do what we did when we invaded Optimonidomicron Alpha, and just demoleculoralize all the inhabitants and turn them into stew, to feed to our space-weevil worker drone slaves? hmmm, maybe I shall have to make another recommendation to my superior over-overlord officer.

What is this crazy earthling notion of 'Free Speech'?

2005-07-23T11:05:00.000+01:00

I AM the OVERLORD! If this first message appears then that means I have successfully configured my earth-communications link, and so my mission begins.

It seems that despite the Overlord's remarkably clever and cunningly devious plans to turn the human race into a snivelling bunch of thoughtless reactionary idiots, it appears that there are still some troublemaking upstarts who INSIST on thinking for themselves. This is most unsatisfactory.

There are some humans who have cottoned on to this dangerous idea of 'free speech'. This will have to be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand, and with this in mind I will be listing a few of the worst perpetrators here over the coming days, so that readers will know which web sites to avoid reading at all costs, lest they become infected with original thinking.